The Western Borderlands

Journal entry #34 6/27/15

My adventures in in crazy town

So, we all rested and then back into the well we went. This time we took a battering ram with us to better deal with the armored magical guardian that almost killed Ash. Ahg carved a likness of a rhino into the front of the ram. (This guy is obsessed with rhinos. Seriously, its all he talks about. “I love rhinos, rhinos are powerful, I wish I had a pet rhino, I wish all of you were rhinos. Its getting a little creepy honestly… ) Ahg and the unusually strong, but eerily quite dragon ranger manned the ram and made short work of the armored guardian, with a little help from Ash and myself.

Its funny how much better things go when you plan and prep a little beforehand, right Ash?
Oh, Azelan, wielder of lutes, sang a little while we killed it.

Anyway, we managed to scavenge the magical items from the room after that: a ring, chain mail, a scepter and a crown. The group distributed the items evenly to “attune” them or whatever. Someone must have known a little bit about how the items work. Some details on why the attuning works was explained, but all I heard was “Blah, blah blah, the halfing doesn’t get any of the magic items”. Well, I did get the stupid looking crown after everyone else decided they didn’t want to wear it, but it didn’t fit me.
Another reason being “fun-sized”, as I heard an ogre call me once just before he tried to bounce my head off of some concrete, is a problem.

We wandered through the horrible temple/lair and came across a goblin alchemist’s lab. The goblin alchemist was in there, but only for a second. When we opened the door to the lab, the guy got so spooked that he unleashed this evil yellow blob in the hopes that it would attack and kill us.
It didn’t.
It ate him. Immediately.
We all just stood there for a few seconds, dumbfounded, while the alchemist was dissolved and devoured by the blob, after which I quietly closed the door and we all decided a different way would be best.

We bypassed the horrible acidic ooze of death and managed to successfully sneak further into the temple, or so we thought. Apparently the goblins had had a minor amount of success tracking our movements, and by minor amount I mean they had been completely aware of where we were and what we were doing. The entire time. I swear these people I’m running with now are going to get me killed.

Azelan, the King of singing, managed to talk to the goblins and convince them we meant them no harm, even though we had killed every goblin we had encountered up unto that point. Goblins are dumb.
We were allowed to have an audience with the goblin king, who turned out to be of high intelligence for his kind. Which meant he was average intelligence at best. Azelan, master of words, convinced the king and his followers that we were friendly, again, even though we had killed every goblin we had seen until then. He also managed to get the king to tell us about the temple and the coins we were looking for. He managed to win the king over by offering up the crown and scepter as an enhancement to his already regal stature. I’m glad Azelan, lexiconarian the great, was talking then and not me. I think I threw up a little in my mouth when he said that. Azelan, word assassin, then asked about the old coins we were looking for and it was at this point during the negotiations, Ash decided to speak.

Now, I’ve developed a reaction to Ash in the short time that I’ve known him. A reaction that has been cultivated from the repeatedly brash or hasty actions committed by someone with little to no patience and the solid knowledge that when said person does those things, or opens his mouth no matter the cause, it almost certainly makes things worse. Where Azelan, language smith, might assassinate with words, Ash simply assassinates words themselves.
So, as I said, Ash decided to speak and I involuntary winced. Before it was over Ash single-handedly negotiated exactly half of our expected profit away to this self proclaimed goblin king. I winced again and then set about quickly removing all of us from the audience chamber before he gave away the rest of it.

We were led to the “off limits” part of the temple where the creatures that were too powerful for goblins to defeat dwelled, you know like house cats and injured rabbits. We cleared a small room of two specters that seemed unusually attracted to Ash. What is it with that guy and getting into unreasonable amounts of trouble anyway?
At the other end of the specter’s room was this weird kinky religious room with ointments, whips and chains everywhere. OF COURSE, Ash was able to explain what everything was as well as explain his previous and current dealings with a succubus where they use most of those things. In detail.

On an even more random than normal note, we ran into a wounded black bear shortly after that. I’ve heard that normally rangers are pretty naturey, but ours just sort of stared at it for a while and then ran up to it really fast like he was going to poke it. This scared the bear and we just barely avoided having to fight the stupid thing before it wandered off.

The next room we came across after dealing with the bear was quite large with a boarded up pit in the center. I’m not entirely sure who moved the boards off of the pit initially, since I was busy checking the perimeter of the strange room for traps, but it was probably Ash…
As soon as the boards were moved this horribly unearthly jibbering screamed forth from within it. I immediately rummaged though my clothes and fished out a mass of wax which I used to plug my ears against the noise.
-Note: I need to clean out my pockets again. There was a big ball of lint on one part of the wax that went in my ear. Didn’t have time to pick it off. It was crunchier than lint;might have been a bug. Pretty sure its still in there since I didn’t see it when I took the wax out, whatever it was.
I tried to tell the others to plug their ears as well, but by then everyone seemed to have lost it and started attacking each other or running into the walls. Dispite the others being mostly insane, we were able to dispatch the blob of a creature at the bottom of the pit, after which Azelan, the yodeling spelunker, climbed down and retrieved some evil looking magic dagger that changed shape.

We checker out the next room which turned out to be an actual torture chamber, filled with devices I had never seen before. While looking at an interesting item, one of the devices sneaked over and quickly grabbed to strap me into its mechanisms.
I had heard about this type of thing before from a relative. My grandfather Caden Finder had once been grabbed and carried off by a portcullis only to narrowly avoid death at its hands when he was rescued by his friends.
Since I was aware of what this thing was intending I was able to narrowly avoid any lasting injury from it and was actually break free of its grasp. Bless you Grandpa Finder.

After this last surprise we all decided to rest up. We were told that the creature we are looking for is in a large cavern and the last door in this hall leads to just such a cavern.

Azelan, the bardiest bard that ever barded, looks like he’s getting spells ready. He’s mumbling something about “putting it to sleep”, Ash is pacing back and forth making hand blasting moments each time he turns, Ahg is muttering about how useful a rhino would be and the dragon ranger, WHO I STILL HAVEN”T LEARNED THE NAME OF is sitting in the corner, not moving or speaking. Sometimes I wonder if he even breathes…

Looks like everyone is really prepared for the fight should be an easy one.

We were not prepared for that fight. It was a slaughter. Ahg took a few steps into the water and was immediately attacked by a huge pincered creature.
It was so fast.
Right after it bit Ahg he went limp and fell face first into the water. The monster then bit and clawed at his body a few more times before charging straight at Azelan the panicked, and myself.
I’m confident that I’m alive because I’m smaller. It had its choice of the two of us and chose him since he was made of more meat. I heard Azelan, the doomed, trying to get a few hurried words out, presumably the sleep spell he had prepared, when it picked him up above its tentacled head and in one fluid motion tore him in half.

I assume Ahg is dead, though I didn’t see what happened to his body.
We’re taking a short break here before updating the goblin king about his understated monster problem. Then we’re going to head back to the keep for more crab food, or fellow adventurers, what ever they call themselves.


TerribleTony shot_martin

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